Meta: Bi-Indifferent

Sometimes I wonder about the concept of sexual orientation. In general, and my own, specifically. Well - really I think it's a very subjective thing, and affects each person in a different way. I'm not saying that my feelings about gender and orientation are going to be relevant for anyone else, that it works this way for everyone.

Thinking about being with another woman...well, women are beautiful. Women are graceful, lovely, smooth and soft, each curve and angle so unique and so compelling. Tiny, delicate, elfin women; big lush gorgeous women; every variation, every style of dress, a thousand different skin colors, a million haircolors and styles. The warm scent of skin and perfume. I imagine the way a woman would kiss, how it would feel to lie with another, bodies twined, losing myself in the indescribable pleasure of that feeling.

But it's all nerve endings, yes? The physical sensation of being touched, of playing with another person. The emotional connection of lovemaking.

There's something different about men.

For one thing, it's not so visual. While I find many men attractive - and a woman certanly doesn't have to be a supermodel or even 'conventionally' pretty for me to find them attractive - the reaction I have to men, in a sexual way, is very different. Visceral. An emotion or a feeling that goes beyond an admiration of form or an imagining of pleasure.

I suppose it's all bound up with being submissive. That may explain the instant subconscious awareness of Man, the masculine aura, the way I feel their presense around me. They way that even just hanging out with a male friend, someone whose relationship with me is entirely platonic, will make me feel safe and warm and just...aware of them. This is a man, and he is possessed of a penis, and I catch myself daydreaming about fucking him, about how his kiss would feel, his hands on my lower back pulling me against him. Would he be rough with me, or gentle? Aggressive, or would I have to pursue him, pulling off each piece of clothing with intent? Things that would never actually happen. Sometimes I have to concentrate not to think about it.

When I am with a man sexually...it's like being on fire. Like I'm a hard drive set down a little too close to a powerful magnet. Everything is jumbled, confused; mental cohesion and moral self-control are broken up like ice floes in spring by the hot rush of lustshamedesiresubmission.

And the voices, of course. God, I'm a sucker for a man's voice. Voices with character, deep and rough, or melodic, accented, educated and precise...everything. Donald Sutherland. Tim Curry. Ron Perlman, Tommy Lee Jones, Laurence Fishburne...

Yeah.

I don't have the same reaction to women. Even the thought of being topped by a woman is different. Not unpleasant. I'm sure it would be extremely enjoyable. But there isn't that...id-reaction, that other-mind. It would be fun, pleasurable, beautiful even. But not the same.

Thus, I'm not certain if I'm bi-sexual, or not. If the designation even matters.
I'm just...versatile.